Abiding Hope: A Novel: Healing Ruby Book 4 Page 15

  “Me next!” Hope yelled.

  “My goodness!” Mrs. Sawyer called from the back deck. “You all seem to be having fun out here.”

  “Oh no! Sorry, Mrs. Sawyer, I hope we didn’t wake up Mr. Sawyer and George—”

  “—Gamma, do you want Daddy to tickle you too?”

  Mrs. Sawyer smiled down at Hope. “No, dear. I think you should get all the tickles.” She looked back to Matthew and me, now separated and sitting up. “Nothing to worry about. Everyone’s awake and hungry. Supper will be on the table in a few minutes. Come on in and wash up when you’re ready.”

  As she went back into the house, Matthew met my gaze. The joy in his eyes had retreated, and he let out a somber sigh. “I think I’ll pass on supper.”

  “What?” I asked. “Why? Aren’t you hungry?”

  He pushed himself up and offered me a hand up as well. He dusted himself off as he spoke. “I just don’t want to be around a bunch of people I don’t know.”

  “But if you give it a chance, you’ll get to know them.”

  “Grace, this isn’t my family. I don’t feel comfortable here, and I don’t want to sit around with a bunch of people trying to get to know me. This isn’t our home.”

  He looked down at Hope, who was tugging on his pants. “Daddy, dis is home.” She pointed to the house. “Right dere. See? Like Belteen has a home.”

  Matthew knelt down and pushed the curls from her cheeks, his frown softening. “I know it’s your home, sweetie. It’s just…” He looked up at me.

  “She won’t understand,” I said softly.

  He leaned over and kissed the top of her head. “I just got here. Understand?”

  “Like when Belteen was new in the nursery.” Hope looked up at me. “Right, Momma? ’Member? He didn’t know the other toys.”

  “That’s right,” I said. “It took a little while for Velveteen to feel at home in the nursery with the little boy. It may take Daddy some time too.”

  She turned back to Matthew and placed her hands on the sides of his face. “Are you sad?”

  “No. Of course not. How can I be sad when you’re here?”

  I walked over and took her hand. “Come on, sweetie. Let’s go wash up for supper.” Matthew stood and faced me, his expression somewhat softer. But I could see he hadn’t changed his mind. “If you get hungry later, let me know. I’ll fix something for you.”

  He nodded. “Thank you for understanding.”

  But I didn’t understand. I took Hope inside for supper, wondering how I could help him get more comfortable with the Sawyers if he refused to be around them. I closed the back door and looked out the window as Matthew strolled around the backyard. I could only hope and pray that he would give the Sawyers a chance.

  ***

  That night, no one got much sleep. We set up a small cot at the end of the bed for Hope, but when Matthew and I came upstairs later, she was curled up in her usual spot in the bed. Matthew lifted her and gently placed her back on the cot. We barely had time to remove our bed jackets and climb under the covers before Hope’s little voice came from the end of the bed. “Can I sleep wid you, Momma?”

  “No, sweetie. Not tonight. You sleep in your bed, and Mommy and Daddy will sleep in our bed.”

  She grew quiet, and I glanced over at Matthew. He shrugged, so I reached over and turned out the lamp. I rolled onto my side and faced Matthew. The moonlight coming in from the edge of the window was all that lay between us, but it felt like a canyon. He lay on his back, staring at the ceiling.

  “Are you all right?” I whispered.

  He turned his face to mine, and I could just make out his lifted brow. “Of course,” he whispered back. “This is just a bit awkward, is all. It feels like I’m being watched or something.”

  I ran my hand down the length of his arm, taking his hand in mine. “I know this isn’t ideal, but I’m so grateful you’re here. We can face anything as long as we’re together.” Shuffling forward, I rested my head on his shoulder.

  His lips touched my forehead, and I lifted my face to his. Just as our lips met, Hope’s voice came from beside Matthew. “Can I sleep wid you, Momma?”

  I started to tell her to get back in her bed, but Matthew interrupted. “It’s fine, sweetie. Come on.” He reached out and helped her climb over him into the spot between us. I slid over and made room.

  Hope nestled against me, and soon her breathing deepened. I tried my best to fall asleep, but Hope shifted her head, sending it right into my chest. I felt more wiggling and glanced over at Matthew. He slid further away. And so it continued for nearly an hour—Hope shifting and squirming; Matthew and I doing our best to adjust. Finally, Matthew sighed and sat on the edge of the bed.

  “Where are you going?” I whispered.

  “The cot, I suppose.”

  “No, no,” I said, sitting up as well. “I’ll sleep on the cot. You need a bed.”

  “There’s no way I’m letting my wife sleep on a cot. I been sleeping on a cot or on the ground for more than three years now. One more night ain’t gonna hurt nothing. You lay back down.”

  He stood and walked around to the end of the bed. I swung my legs over the side, but he stopped me before I could go any further.

  “Now, I mean it,” he said. “I’ll be fine right here. You and Hope been sleeping there in the bed for a long time. This is best for all of us. Don’t fret over me.”

  He shifted the blanket around and lay down on the tiny cot. I was sure his legs were hanging off the end of it, but I knew better than to press the issue. I lay back down and shifted Hope to the spot Matthew had left. Closing my eyes, I prayed God would find some way to help me make Matthew more comfortable in the Sawyers’ home. Lord, thank you so much for providing for our needs. Please open Matthew’s eyes and heart to all the love and peace in this home. Please help him find work, but also help him to see that we need family and friends. I know we aren’t meant to live a lie. Please show Matthew that we can still lead a life of joy.

  I managed to sleep after that, but I awoke sometime during the night to more shuffling in the room. I opened my eyes, but I couldn’t make out what was going on. I dozed back off, only to awaken again to moans and unintelligible words coming from the end of the bed. I slid out from under the covers and made my way over to where the cot had been. It was shoved against the closet now, and Matthew lay curled on the floor beneath a corner of the blanket.

  I bent down beside him and straightened the blanket. That was when I felt the dampness all around him. His clothes were soaked through, and the sheet beneath him was damp as well. I felt his forehead, and he startled awake, yelling out as he grabbed my wrist. I yelped from the sudden pain.

  “Matthew, it’s me!”

  He shot upright and searched the floor around him frantically. “Where is it? Where’s my gun?”

  “Shhh,” I said, grabbing for his hands. “It’s me, Ruby. Everything’s all right.”

  He stopped and stared at me with wide eyes. Jumping to his feet, he whirled around in the room. “Where are we?”

  I stood beside him. “Shhh,” I insisted. “Hope’s asleep in the bed. We’re at the Sawyers’ house.”

  His body relaxed, and he ran his hands over his face with a groan. “Sawyers. Right.” I reached for his forehead, but he moved away. “I’m fine, really. Just…you startled me.”

  “Your clothes are soaked through. Let me fetch you something dry.”

  He grasped my shoulders and leaned down toward me. “I’ll take care of it. You get back in bed. I’m fine. I’ll put on some dry clothes and step out for a bit of fresh air. You get some sleep.” When he released my shoulders, I could feel how tightly he’d grabbed them.

  “Matthew, please let me—”

  “Grace, I mean it.” The sternness in his voice gave me pause.

  “Momma?” Hope sat up and rubbed her eyes. “Momma?”

  “I’m here.”

  “Get back in bed,” Matthew said. “I’ll be back in a f
ew minutes.”

  I wanted to press him, wanted to somehow make him understand that he didn’t have to shut me out. But there was probably a better time and place for such a conversation. I needed to get Hope back to sleep. So I climbed back into bed, as Matthew took some fresh pants and a T-shirt out the door with him.

  I ran my hand over Hope’s hair, smoothing it out of her face. She was already breathing heavily again. But I was wide awake, wondering what was plaguing Matthew’s thoughts and dreams. My nursing experience had taught me his mind would need longer to heal than his body, but I’d hoped to be able to help him through that. But more and more I got the feeling that I was somehow part of the problem.

  ***

  After tossing and turning for a couple more hours, I decided it was best to go ahead and get up. Dawn was beginning to lighten the horizon, but it was still mostly dark. I put on my robe and went in search of Matthew, who still hadn’t returned to the bedroom. I crept down the stairs and through the living room, finding him seated in one of the metal lawn chairs on the deck. He appeared to be gazing up at the stars, or perhaps he’d dozed off. I couldn’t tell from behind.

  As I opened the door, the hinges creaked so loudly, Matthew jumped out of the chair. He spun round to face me, his chest rising in panic. “I reckon you’re determined to give me a heart attack,” he said, his shoulders falling as he relaxed.

  “I’m so sorry,” I said, closing the door behind me. “I didn’t realize how loud those hinges were.”

  He ran a hand over his hair before dropping back into the chair. I moved behind him, placing my hands on his shoulders. They tightened beneath my touch. I kneaded the muscles in his neck and shoulders, searching for words that could calm him as well. “I was worried when you didn’t come back to bed,” I said at last.

  “I was just as comfortable right here as I was up there. Figured it was easier to stay.”

  “I’ll talk to Hope. I’ll make her understand. She’ll sleep on the cot tonight.”

  “We’re just going to have to find our own place soon. I’ll start hunting for a job today.”

  “There’s no rush. I know the sleeping arrangements aren’t ideal, but—”

  “Let’s not go through this again. I know you love the Sawyers. I know they’re like family to you. But that don’t change the fact that we need our own place.”

  I decided to drop it. Instead, I focused on kneading the tension out of his shoulders. He rolled his head from side to side. “That feels nice.”

  I continued a little longer before he took my hand in his. He pulled me around in front of him, staring up at me with those eyes that had undone me so long ago. How long had I loved him? Was it really fourteen years? We were just kids back then. Lord, so much has changed. And so much hasn’t.

  He sat up straighter, moving his hands to my hips. “You are…so beautiful.”

  My stomach flipped as he untied my robe and slipped his hands inside. My face flushed hot. “Matthew…”

  He pulled me onto his lap, kissing my cheek, then my lips. Softly at first, but then with a hunger that awoke every nerve in my body. It was too much, too intense for the wide open outdoors. I pulled my lips back and glanced around. “People will be getting up soon,” I said.

  He kissed me again. “Let’s go inside.”

  “Hope’s in the bed.”

  “We don’t need a bed.” He slid me off his lap and stood, cupping my cheeks as he kissed me again and again. Then he took my hand and smiled. “Come on.”

  I followed him through the back door, my heart full from seeing him smile. I couldn’t help grinning myself, feeling like a teen sneaking a boy into the house. As we neared the stairs, Matthew froze, and I nearly collided with his back. He turned his face to me and held a finger to his lips. Then he pointed around the stairs toward the door to the kitchen.

  I peered around the banister and saw what had stopped him. The kitchen light shone beneath the crack of the door, and I heard the clang of a pan. Mrs. Sawyer was getting breakfast ready. Matthew gripped my hand again and tugged me up the stairs. We tiptoed as lightly as we could back into the bedroom, where Hope lay sprawled across the bed.

  Matthew grabbed a pillow and went to the end where the blanket still lay on the floor. He knelt down and shuffled things around before standing up again and meeting my gaze with a mischievous grin. “You coming?”

  I surveyed the makeshift nest. “Hmmm, I don’t know.” I glanced over at Hope, sure she would awaken at any moment.

  He pulled my waist to his and whispered in my ear. “Come on, Grace. This may be the most privacy we get here. I’m not waiting until we have a house all to ourselves. There’s no telling how long that could be.”

  “I know. It’s just…it’s almost time for her to wake up. If she sees us—”

  He stepped back and dropped his hands with a loud sigh. “So then I guess we are waiting until we have a house of our own? Wonderful.”

  “I didn’t mean that.” I stepped closer to him, running my hands up his chest and coming up on my tiptoes. I kissed his chin and tried to get him to smile again. “I’m sure we can find some alone time. I’ll ask Mrs. Sawyer to watch her.”

  “Yeah, sure. That’s great. Just schedule some time for us, and let me know when it’s okay to touch you again.” He stepped past me and went out the door, not bothering to close it. His heavy footfalls sounded down the stairs and out the front door.

  I dropped onto the side of the bed, wondering how things had turned so quickly. I hadn’t meant to turn him down. I wanted him. I wanted him to touch me, to be close to me again. Why couldn’t he understand that the floor of the bedroom, with our daughter sleeping in the bed nearby, was not the place to rebuild intimacy between us?

  I glanced at the clock on the nightstand. It was just before six. A twinge of guilt hit as I realized I wouldn’t have time for my quiet time. I glanced at Daddy’s Bible on the nightstand, hoping God would understand today. I promised myself I would pray on the bus all the way to work. Given the situation with Matthew, that was probably a good idea.

  ***

  When Hope and I came down the stairs an hour later, Matthew was seated at the table with plates of sausage, eggs, and sliced grapefruit already laid out. He held the newspaper open in front of him, and glanced over the top of it as Hope jumped from the bottom step.

  “Daddy!”

  He scooted the chair back from the table as she climbed up into his lap. “Well, good morning, little bunny! Did you sleep well?”

  “Yes, sir,” she said, bouncing up and down on his leg.

  “You sure are a squirmy little bunny when you sleep. You kicked me clean outta the bed.”

  She giggled. “Where’d you sleep?”

  “Well, I tell ya. I was just like Goldilocks looking for a bed. I tried your cot, but it was too small. So I tried the floor, but it was too hard. So I went outside and sat under the stars. And that was just right.”

  “I wanna sleep under the stars too!” she said.

  “No, ma’am,” I said. “You will sleep on your cot tonight so Daddy can get some rest in the bed.” I walked over to them and held out my arms. “Come on. Let’s get you in your seat so you can eat your breakfast.”

  Hope looked up at Matthew and put her hands on his cheeks. “Daddy, are you sad?”

  “No, sweetie. How could I be sad when I’m with you? Now do what your mother says, and eat your breakfast.”

  She threw her arms around his neck and squeezed. “I give good hugs.”

  He patted her back and agreed. “Yes, you do.”

  As Hope climbed off his lap and into my arms, I swung her over to her high chair at the end of the table, placing some eggs on her plate. She protested momentarily until I reminded her the last time she had eggs, the yolk turned out to be just as tasty as the white, and it wasn’t “yucky” at all. Mrs. Sawyer came out from the kitchen, rolling her eyes and smiling at Hope’s protestations. She knew my two-year-old daughter’s picky tendencies well,
and brought with her a pitcher of milk and a plate of biscuits. She set them down next to the jars of jam and walked over to the stairs, calling Mr. Sawyer and Jillian down for breakfast.

  Everyone took their seats within a few minutes, and after saying the blessing, we dug in. I kept sneaking glances at Matthew, wondering if he was still frustrated with me. The only thing he said directly to me was, “Thank you,” when he took the plate of eggs from my hands. Once everyone had their plates filled, Mrs. Sawyer asked us if we’d had a good night’s sleep.

  “We were a bit restless,” I admitted.

  “I’m sure it will take time to adjust,” she said, smiling over at Matthew. “I hope you weren’t too uncomfortable.”

  He swallowed and glanced at me before answering. “No, ma’am.”

  “Daddy slept under the stars!” Hope announced.

  Mrs. Sawyer set down her fork, looking horrified. “Oh, Matthew. Don’t tell me you were forced to sleep outside.”

  “It was nothing to worry over,” Matthew said between bites. “I’ve slept outside many nights. It was nice and cool.”

  “Sounds downright inviting,” Mr. Sawyer said. “Don’t mind catching a nap outdoors myself sometimes.”

  “But he’s just home from the hospital,” Mrs. Sawyer persisted. “He should have a proper place to sleep.”

  “George will be coming home soon,” Jillian said. “At least, his last letter said he had enough points. It should be any time now. Then George, Jr. and I will be out of your hair, and Hope can have our room.”

  A warm flush crept up Matthew’s neck as he gave Jillian and Mrs. Sawyer a tight-lipped smile. “There’s no need to make a fuss over us, really.”

  “Well, maybe we can move some things around. Harold, you don’t need that big study for your desk and books. We could move the furniture upstairs, and let them put a bed in there. Why, we could—”

  “Margaret,” Mr. Sawyer interrupted. “Now, we don’t need to go turning the house upside down.”

  “That’s right,” Matthew said. “Please don’t go rearranging everything for our sakes. We’ll be getting a place of our own very soon. We might even be out of your hair by the end of the week.”