Abiding Hope: A Novel: Healing Ruby Book 4 Page 14

  He ignored me and kept right on talking with Hope. “What’s your favorite color?”

  “Purple!”

  “What’s your favorite thing to eat?”

  “Lemon cookies!”

  “Matthew,” I said. “You need to tell the doctors—”

  He glanced at me and sighed. “Listen, I have a team of doctors and nurses looking after me. I don’t want another nurse. I want a wife.”

  And I’d like a husband who’d tell me the truth, I wanted to say. But I held my tongue. I would have to keep reminding myself to be patient.

  There was a knock at the door, and a young man in uniform stepped into the room at attention. “Major Doyle, sir.”

  Matthew stood and walked over to the young man. “Yes?”

  “I’ve been sent to give you this letter and to inform you that you’ve been invited to participate in a war bond tour beginning in August. Congratulations, Major.”

  Matthew took the letter, mumbled, “Thank you, Corporal,” and absently shook the soldier’s hand. After the young man left, he returned to his seat at the table. Hope had climbed down from the bed and came over to Matthew. “What’s dat?” she asked.

  Matthew said nothing, so I answered instead. “The army wants Daddy to tell people about the bad guys he had to fight. They need to raise money to take care of the men and women still fighting. Daddy was very brave, and people want to hear his story.”

  “Oh!” she said. “Can I see?”

  “There’s nothing to see, sweetie. It’s just a letter.”

  Matthew still hadn’t said anything. He stared at the letter in his hand.

  “Aren’t you going to read it?” I asked.

  “No,” he said, tossing it onto the table. “I’m not interested in anything like that. We’ll be long gone before then, anyway. Would you girls like to go for a walk? I could use some fresh air.”

  ***

  Once we were outside, Matthew took a deep breath and seemed to release some of the tension brought on by the letter. Hope ran into the grass with Velveteen, and together they searched for other bunnies to play with. Matthew and I strolled along the walkway beside her.

  “That letter seemed to bother you,” I said, taking his hand.

  “I didn’t do anything deserving of recognition,” he said. “Besides, they already gave me a medal before I left Manila. I don’t want anything more. There are a lot of other guys who deserve it more than I do. A lot of ’em in that hospital behind us.”

  I stopped. “You received a medal? Why didn’t you say anything? What medal was it?”

  He sighed and released my hand. “The Silver Star.”

  “Oh, Matthew, what an honor—”

  “I don’t want to talk about it,” he interrupted. “Like I said. I don’t deserve any recognition, especially a medal.”

  “What you did was very brave. Even just the part I saw on Mindanao. Running back to fight off the Japanese so we could get away. That deserves a medal.”

  He turned away from me and changed the subject. “I should be getting out of here soon. I want you to start looking for a house.”

  I decided not to pursue the conversation about the medal any further. “A house? How can we afford a house?”

  “My pay should be straightened out any day now, and I’m getting my life insurance money.”

  “How did you manage that?”

  Hope ran over and began bouncing in front of us. “Look, Momma, it’s a worm!” She held out an earthworm as it wriggled in her fingers.

  “Hope!” I said. “You go put that poor worm right back where you found it.”

  “But Momma, Belteen’s hungry.”

  “No, ma’am. Velveteen does not eat real worms. We’ve talked about this already.”

  She dropped her shoulders and headed back into the grass, where she gently set the worm on the ground.

  Matthew chuckled. “I would bet a thousand dollars she’s just like her mother was at that age.”

  “Then Lord help us,” I said.

  We stood and watched Hope for another minute before I remembered what we were talking about. “You said you get to keep your life insurance, but you didn’t explain why you have it. I was told your life insurance was designated to go to Mary.”

  “It did. She returned it.”

  “So she knows you’re alive? Have you talked to her? That would be wonderful! Maybe we can—”

  “I’m not in contact with Mary,” he interrupted. “I just wrote her to let her know I was all right, and she sent the check. That’s it. No more contact.”

  “That doesn’t seem like the Mary I knew. She adored you. I imagine she was thrilled to hear you were alive. Are you sure about this?”

  His mouth hardened into a frown as he turned his gaze on me. “We can’t afford to maintain contact with our families. We have to think about what’s best for Hope. What do you think would happen if you were arrested again? And then I’d go to jail with you. What would happen to Hope?”

  I couldn’t respond. I’d gone through those same questions myself over and over. There were no good answers. But I also knew in my heart that God meant for me to face that conviction someday. “I understand how you feel. Really, I do. I just thought…”

  “What? You thought we could tell our families about her?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe. Someday.”

  He sighed and shook his head. “You can’t be that naive, Ru—.” He threw his hands up. “Grace. Grace.” He looked at the sky and muttered something I couldn’t understand before turning his gaze back to me. “Look, you have to be realistic. No one back home can know you’re alive, or that I’m married. They can’t know about Hope. That’s just the way it has to be. That’s why you have to find us a house out of the city. Some place quiet and secluded.”

  “And what about my job?”

  “There’s no way you can keep working. We can’t take that risk. I’ll work. I’ll provide for our needs. You look after Hope.”

  “How are you going to do that without a job?”

  His cheek bulged as he ground his teeth together. “I’ll get a job. Just trust me, all right?”

  “I do trust you. I’ve just heard talk from other wives and mothers of soldiers coming back. They’ve had a hard time finding jobs.”

  “We’ll be fine,” he insisted. “I can take care of us. I have an engineering degree, and I’m a major in the army. I’ll get a job.”

  I sensed his frustration growing, and I could see the subtle throbbing of the vein in his neck. I couldn’t be the cause of another spell with his blood pressure. I stepped close to him and put my hand on his chest. “We’ll be all right. I know you’ll take good care of us. All I’m saying is that we should wait until you have that job secured before we go buying a house. What’s the harm in that?”

  I came up on my tiptoes and kissed his cheek, but he pulled away and glanced around, clearly agitated. My stomach turned over, and my face flushed hot. Something had changed while I’d been in Houston.

  Matthew called Hope over and ruffled her hair. “Come on. Daddy’s had enough fresh air now.” He shoved his hands back into his pockets and walked toward the back entrance of the hospital. I took Hope’s hand and walked along beside him.

  “All right, then,” he said. “You win, just like you always do. I reckon you’ll have to keep working for now, until I get out of here and get a job. Then we’ll find a place where we can do our best to disappear.”

  Disappear. That word hung in my mind all the rest of the day as I watched Matthew. I sensed something had happened since I’d last seen him, but it was clear he wouldn’t tell me what it was. He was eager to interact with Hope, almost to the exclusion of interacting with me. I couldn’t exactly blame him. He’d just met his daughter for the first time, after all.

  No, it wasn’t that he focused his attention on Hope…it was the way he did it. Like he was building a wall between the two of us, and only letting Hope inside. But even with her, I noticed,
he kept a safe distance.

  I’d decided to do my best not to take it personally. Obviously something was troubling him deep in his heart. But when I thought of the word he’d used…disappear…there was something in that word that frightened me. I didn’t want to disappear. So much of who we were had already disappeared. Our families, our friends, our home, were lost to us. And I was afraid that the Matthew I’d loved most of my life, was lost to me too, perhaps forever.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Ruby

  July 15, 1945

  Houston, Texas

  For some reason, I was as nervous as a jitterbug the day I brought Matthew home to the Sawyers’ house. We arrived on Sunday just after dinner, and I knew everyone would be lounging around after the big meal. I pushed open the front door and called out, “Hello? We’re here!”

  As we made our way through the foyer, Mrs. Sawyer came around the corner from the kitchen wearing her biggest smile. Matthew set his rucksack down to receive her hug, and his whole body tensed.

  When Mrs. Sawyer pulled away, she beamed at both of us. “Well, look at you two. It does my heart so much good to know Hope’s family is finally together.” She leaned in to Matthew and reached out for his arm. “You know, that little girl stole my heart the moment she came into this world. She’s a real treasure. You should be proud of the beautiful family you have.”

  Matthew’s smile wasn’t exactly easy, but I could see he appreciated her words. “Thank you, Mrs. Sawyer. I am proud of them.”

  “Well, come on in, and let’s get you settled. I’m sure this isn’t your ideal homecoming, but we want you to feel welcome here as long as you like.” She gestured for us to follow, and Matthew once again picked up his rucksack. I took his hand and walked with him into the living room where Mr. Sawyer sat in his leather chair, his legs stretched onto the ottoman. Mrs. Sawyer dismissed his loud snoring with a wave. “He’ll be awake in a little while, and we’ll introduce you.”

  We made our way up the stairs and stopped for a moment outside Jillian’s bedroom door. “My daughter, Jillian, and her baby are staying with us while her husband is away in Europe. George, Jr. is down for his nap right now.” She turned to the door across the hall, still whispering. “And I’m afraid Hope is napping in your room. She wanted to stay awake until you arrived, but I told her she had to at least go to her room and look at her picture books for a while so Grandpa could relax. She fell asleep within five minutes.”

  She pushed the door open, and I stepped inside first. Hope was curled up on her side of the bed, a book splayed open on the floor. Matthew stepped inside behind me.

  “I’ll warm up some supper in about an hour,” Mrs. Sawyer said as she gently closed the door. Matthew stood in the middle of the room like he was lost and had no idea what to do.

  “I’ll take that,” I whispered, reaching for his rucksack. I set it down in the closet. When I turned around again, he was inspecting the room. “I know it’s a tight space for all three of us,” I said.

  He shook his head. “It’s fine. I’ve been in much tighter spots. It’s not the space that makes it feel cramped. It’s all the people in the space.”

  “Give it a little time. The Sawyers are wonderful people. And they mean so much to Hope and me.”

  “You’ve made that abundantly clear.”

  “Sorry. I’m just…afraid.”

  “Look, I told you. All we need to do is find a place out away from everyone, and we can live a fairly normal life. Just have to be careful is all.”

  “That’s not what I mean. I’m not afraid of someone finding out who I am. I’m afraid of losing all contact with the people who make me who I am. I don’t want a life in isolation away from the world.”

  Matthew’s eyes darkened and he shifted his gaze to the window, walking over to it and turning his back to me. “The world’s an evil place, Grace. It only wants to hurt you, to find your weakness and destroy you. We have to protect each other. To protect Hope.”

  “Daddy?”

  Hope’s sleepy voice sent Matthew turning on his heels and he gave her a hesitant smile. “I’m right here.”

  She rubbed her eyes with her fists. “Are you staying?”

  “Yes, I’m home for good now.”

  She yawned and looked over at me. “Momma, can I play now?”

  “Sure, sweetie,” I said. “Let’s go out back so we don’t disturb George or Grandpa.”

  The three of us tiptoed back down the stairs, past Mr. Sawyer still snoring away, and out the back door to the deck. Once outside, though it was hot as a firecracker, Matthew’s shoulders relaxed. Hope bounded off the deck into the grass, carrying Velveteen off to play. Matthew and I walked to the edge of the deck and watched her hop from shrub to shrub.

  “She’s full of energy,” I said.

  He nodded. “She’s full of joy. She hasn’t seen the evil that’s in the world.”

  I glanced up at him. He stood there like a solid wall, and yet I was certain there were storms raging inside of him. “I know the world is full of evil, but it’s full of love too. As horrible as everything was that we went through on Bataan, look at what beauty came from it. We have the most precious little girl anyone could ask for.”

  He considered this for a moment. “But was it worth it? Was it worth all the suffering? Was it worth losing so many lives?” He worked his jaw before continuing. “Was it worth losing Henry?”

  The heavy ache in my chest I’d been carrying returned at the mention of Henry’s name. I fought back my tears, ’cause I was sure they’d upset Matthew. “I don’t think it’s a bargain we can make—one person’s life for another’s. That’s all in God’s hands. He gives life. He calls us home on His terms. I can’t understand it, and I can’t reason my way out of my grief. I can’t think of Henry’s life measured against Hope’s. But maybe…maybe Hope was God’s gift to us to help us through the pain.”

  “Maybe. For you. I don’t think there are any gifts for me. God’s made it pretty clear that I ain’t worthy of His presence.”

  “Well, of course not. None of us is worthy of it. But He gives us His presence all the same.”

  He faced me with despondent eyes. “Not to me, He doesn’t.”

  Then it hit me why I kept sensing something dark stirring inside of him. Somehow, after everything God had done in his life, from healing to redemption to preserving his life in the Philippines, somehow, Matthew had lost his faith.

  I wanted to ask him about it. I wanted to help him see God’s love again. But he stepped off the deck and went to Hope, bending down and asking her about her pretend world. She lit up like a lightening bug; speaking so fast I could barely keep up.

  “Dat is Belteen. See? He lives over dere. See? Dis is his house I made. And I put him to bed. He has to sleep now. Shhhh.” She held her finger up to her lips.

  Matthew followed her directions and crawled over to the bunny lying inside a small thicket of shrubs. He pointed at Velveteen and looked back at Hope. “Right here?” he whispered.

  “Shhhh!” Hope gave him a stern warning. “You wake him up.”

  He crawled back over to Hope and sat cross-legged in front of her. “Then what can we do that won’t wake him up?”

  Hope looked back at me, then turned back to Matthew again. “Can I sit in your lap?”

  The deep lines in his face smoothed just a bit, and he almost smiled. “Of course you can.”

  She looked at me again. “It’s all right,” I said.

  She grinned and galloped over to Matthew, jumping and turning in the air. He startled and almost missed catching her. But just in time, his arms slid around her and pulled her safely into his lap. She squealed and giggled.

  “I thought we were trying not to wake Velveteen,” he said.

  Her mouth made a big, silent “Oh!” Then she covered it with her hand, stifling more giggles.

  He gave her a tickle, and she squirmed with laughter, still covering her mouth. Before long, her hand slid away, and her laugh
ter filled the backyard. When Matthew took a moment to let her catch her breath, he glanced up at me and frowned.

  “Grace, what’s wrong?”

  “Nothing,” I said, realizing tears were sliding down my cheeks. “It’s just…I’ve dreamed of this for a long time. Of you and Hope playing together. I can’t seem to help myself.”

  “Momma,” Hope said. “Are you sad?”

  “No, sweetie.”

  She pushed herself out of Matthew’s lap and came over to the deck steps. “Why are you cwying?”

  I sat down on the steps and opened my arms to her. She came to me, and I pulled her onto my lap. “I’m not sad. These are happy tears. I’m so happy that Daddy’s home and that you get to play with him.”

  “Should I cwy too?”

  “No. You should laugh and play. Maybe we can even get Daddy to laugh a little.” I glanced over at Matthew, still seated cross-legged in the grass. His mouth tipped into a half-hearted grin. Feeling mischievous, I leaned down and whispered into Hope’s ear. “Let’s go tickle him.”

  She grinned back at me. “Okay.”

  I helped her off my lap and stood beside her. “Ready?”

  She nodded.

  “What are you two up to?” Matthew said.

  “One…two…three!”

  We ran a few steps over to Matthew as he threw his hands up. Hope jumped onto his lap again, and I fell onto my knees beside him, reaching for his ribs. He fell backward, laughing and rolling from side to side. Hope’s giggles and Matthew’s laughter sent another wave of joyful tears.

  “I think it’s Mommy’s turn now,” Matthew said at last, pulling Hope away from him.

  “Oh, no,” I said, holding my hands up in surrender.

  But before I could protest, Matthew launched himself at me. I screamed and tried to jump up, but he caught my waist and pulled me down on top of him. Hope bounced up and down beside us, laughing herself silly.

  Matthew tickled me mercilessly, despite my screams and pleas for him to stop. He rolled me onto my back, pinning me beneath him. Finally, he stopped tickling me, and I took the moment to simply enjoy the laughter in his eyes as he looked down at me.