Abiding Hope: A Novel: Healing Ruby Book 4 Read online

  “Thanks, but not today.”

  She threw her hands up in surrender. “All right. Can’t say I didn’t try. Now, you get some rest, Major Doyle. You’re looking better every day. Bet you’ll be out of here in no time.”

  She glided out of the doorway on her cloud of optimism, heading for the captain in the room next to mine. He’d been in a prison camp in the southern Philippine islands for over three years. In his sleep, he yelled out numbers in Japanese.

  I thought about what Regina had said, suddenly overcome by a deep sense of loss. I wanted to reach out to Mary. I’d thought about it nearly every day since finding out I was returning to the States. But I just couldn’t make it work in my mind. How could I protect Ruby and Hope if anyone discovered where we were?

  I’d once told Ruby that running away would be easy. I’d begged her to do it, promising I wouldn’t care if I never saw my family again. I’d been so naive. And now, I probably would never see my family again. Hope would never know her cousins or her Aunt Mary. Mother would never know her granddaughter. All for what? So my father could have his way? We’d all lost in the end. Every single one of us.

  ***

  About a week later, I was playing checkers in my room with the captain from the next room over. We sat at the table near the window, soaking up sunshine and chatting about our experiences in the Philippines before the war. He was a few years younger than I was, and he’d lived the high life in Manila for a year before getting captured.

  “Did you ever go to the Jai Alai club?” he asked, sliding a black checker forward.

  “Once. Didn’t stay long. You?”

  “Yeah. That place was wild. The girls were too. Made quite a bit of money placing bets.” He glanced out the window and seemed to contemplate something for a while. “I wonder if it’s still there,” he finally said.

  “It isn’t.”

  We both grew quiet and went back to moving our checker pieces. But the quiet only lasted for a few minutes. It was interrupted by a choked female voice.

  “Matthew? Is that you?”

  I glanced up to see a woman who could have easily been my mother standing in the doorway, clutching a handkerchief to her chest. Tears tinged black slid down her face. I knew it couldn’t possibly be my mother, but the child inside me saw her nonetheless. Then reason returned.

  “Mary?” I said, standing and taking a couple of steps toward her.

  The captain stood and excused himself. “I’ll let you two have some time. We’ll pick this up later.” He squeezed past Mary as she stepped into the room.

  Tears came rolling down her pale face, and she rushed over to me, throwing her arms around my neck. I wrapped mine around her waist, holding her there while she mumbled both praises and curses. Finally, she stepped away from me and dabbed at her eyes with her handkerchief.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked.

  She threw her arms up in exasperation. “What am I doing here? I’m your sister. Remember me? The person who loves you? The person you haven’t seen or spoken to in nearly nine years?”

  I dropped my gaze and leaned onto the bedrail for support. This was the last thing I needed right now. “I’m so sorry. Really, I am. I was going to write—”

  “Write? Was that all I was going to get from you? A note to say, ‘Hi, sis. Just wanted to let you know that I’m actually not dead. I’m doing just swell.’ Was that it?”

  “No.”

  “Then what?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Do you have any idea what our family has been through in the last nine years? Do you even care?”

  I went around to the side of the bed and sat down, feeling my blood pressure rise. “Of course I care. Come on. Sit down, and let’s talk. Tell me everything.”

  She dropped into a chair against the wall, dabbing at her eyes again and straightening her dress. She’d changed so much. Her hair swept back away from her face in soft blonde curls that barely touched her shoulders. And when she looked up at me, the playful brown eyes I’d always loved were filled with pain.

  “Where have you been all this time?” she asked. “What’s happened to you?”

  “I was in the Philippines when the Japanese attacked. Did you get any of my letters before that?”

  She nodded. “The last one I got was in the fall of ’41. You said you’d just gotten there.”

  “Well, I’ve been there the whole time. I managed to escape into the jungle and operate as a guerrilla until the Americans returned and retook the islands.”

  “Are you all right? Why are you in the hospital? I mean, obviously you’re not all right. Look at you. I’ve never seen you so skinny. Not since you had T.B.”

  “I’m all right. I’m recovering from malaria and malnutrition, but I’ll be just fine.”

  She let out a long sigh and leaned her head against the wall. “I’ve been so scatterbrained. I just up and left the kids with Ellis and Esther and jumped on the first train to San Antonio. Andrew must think I’ve lost my mind. We all thought you had died. We had a funeral for you and everything.”

  “That must have been tough. I’m sorry you had to go through that.” I hesitated, afraid of the answer to my next question. “How’s…Mother?”

  She shook her head, and her eyes filled with tears again. “Mother passed away shortly after we got your last letter.”

  My throat knotted, and shame heated my neck and face. I should’ve been there to say goodbye. She deserved better than that. I’d been a horrible son to her, but I’d drawn a line I couldn’t have crossed. And there was nothing I could do about it now.

  “I’m sorry I wasn’t able to be there for you, Mary. I’ve been a lousy brother. I know that.”

  She leaned forward and looked up at me with a hopeful expression. “Can’t we just put the past behind us now? You should come home and be with your family. Especially after everything you’ve been through. Everyone is so anxious to see that you’re all right.”

  I started shaking my head before she even finished. “I can’t do that. I’m not going back to Hanceville. I swore I’d never go back to that place, and I meant it.”

  She stood and came to the bedside, taking my hand in hers. “Please, Matthew. Just come home. It’s time to forgive Father. He isn’t the same man he was back then. When Mother died, and then you…he hasn’t been well.”

  “I don’t want to hear about Father. He’s the reason all this happened to begin with.”

  “And he’s paid for it, believe me. He had a stroke a few days after we got the telegram from the army about your death. He’s been in a wheelchair ever since, and he can barely speak.”

  “Good. He deserves it.”

  Her eyes widened. “Matthew, that’s horrible. How can you say such a thing?”

  I dropped my head, unable to look at her anymore. If Father hadn’t been so hell-bent on keeping me away from Ruby, we might never have been in the Philippines to begin with. Maybe we would’ve had a chance at being a family. But he destroyed all that. And everything that followed had nearly destroyed me.

  “Maybe you should just go home,” I said.

  “Holding on to your anger won’t bring Ruby back,” she said. “You have to accept that she’s gone. And you have to find a way to live again. God never meant for us to walk this life alone.”

  “I’m not alone.” I realized as soon as I said it that I shouldn’t have.

  “What do you mean?”

  Then it hit me. The picture and drawing in the windowsill. Ruby’s letter on the bedside table. The proof was all around me. How could I have been so careless?

  At that same moment, Mary’s eyes fell on the picture in the window. She walked past the bed and gestured at it. “Who’s that little girl? She looks familiar.”

  I slid off the bed and went over to the window, picking up the picture. “No one. It’s just…just…” I couldn’t think. My heart began to race, and my head swam from the rush.

  “Is that…” she leaned ove
r and looked at the drawing before I could grab it as well. “She has your eyes. Is that your daughter? Matthew, are you married?”

  She reached for the picture, but I turned and held it out of reach. “Listen, you should probably go. I’m not feeling well.”

  Indeed, I wasn’t. My head was throbbing and the same tingling sensations I’d felt back on Luzon began to spread through my limbs. Another breakdown.

  “I’m not leaving until you tell me what’s going on.”

  My hands began to shake. I had to get this under control. I couldn’t end up in the psych ward. I took a deep breath, but it didn’t help. My thoughts scattered, and I couldn’t say what I wanted to.

  Mary stepped closer and put a hand on my shoulder. “Are you all right? Do you want me to get the doctor?”

  “No,” I managed. I pushed past her and sat back down on the bed. “Just…need…rest.”

  I couldn’t lift my legs onto the bed. I fell back against the pillows and lay there, shaking. Mary scrambled over to me, lifting my legs and situating me on the bed. Then she took off, hollering for a doctor.

  Despite the tremors and dizziness, I could hang on to enough of myself to realize this was a bad situation. It was exactly what I’d been trying so hard to avoid. I had to make it stop. I closed my eyes and pictured Ruby in my mind, holding her close. But the convulsions continued. I heard Mary yelling in the distance.

  A moment later, a nurse grabbed my arm, taking my vitals and asking Mary to wait outside. Doctor Larson, who’d been treating me, came in as well, speaking calmly and asking me to answer various questions about my name and dates. I forced my brain to find one thing it could focus on. I looked down at the picture of Hope still gripped in my hand. Her wide brown eyes looked back at me, almost laughing with joy.

  That joy seemed to spread for a moment, and I could finally hear Dr. Larson’s question. “What day is it, Matthew?”

  “Tuesday,” I said.

  “Good. How old are you?”

  “Thirty-two.”

  “Good. Who’s in the picture?”

  “Hope.”

  ***

  Whatever the doctor gave me, it was enough to knock me out for a while. I awoke in the middle of the night, my bed soaked in sweat. I tried to stand, but I was so dizzy, I could only sit on the edge of my bed for a while. How had I let this happen again?

  It had been a mistake to keep personal items around the room. I could correct that. And I’d have to make sure I called Ruby by the name Grace from now on, even in private. If one of the nurses overheard me calling her Ruby, and if Mary asked about my wife, it wouldn’t be hard for her to figure out what had happened.

  My heart began to race again. I had to get this under control, and soon. No more breakdowns. I had to keep calm. I had to have a plan. And I would have to get out of this hospital as soon as humanly possible. I would have to take Grace and Hope somewhere we could disappear for good.

  ***

  As I’d expected, Mary returned the following morning. She came in quietly, with a cautious smile. “Morning. Is it all right if I come in?”

  I had just finished my breakfast and was sitting up in bed. I motioned for her to come in. “I’m sorry about yesterday.”

  “No, I’m sorry. I pushed too hard. Believe me, I got a good scolding from the staff here. They wouldn’t even let me see you last night.”

  “Well, I’m all right. No harm done.”

  Her eyes canvassed the room as she sat in the chair near the door. I’d removed the pictures, the drawing, and the letter, tucking them into my rucksack in the closet. “I’m heading back home today,” she said. “I called Andrew last night from the hotel and told him you were here. He said he would let everyone in the family know.”

  “Look, I overreacted yesterday. I can explain everything.” My stomach churned as I prepared the lie I had decided on in the middle of the night. “The little girl you saw is not my daughter. She’s the daughter of a friend. I’ve known them for a long time. They heard I was in the hospital and sent those to cheer me up.”

  She furrowed her brow in contemplation. “Then why didn’t you just tell me that? And why did you remove the picture?”

  “Your visit was a bit of a shock, Mary. My body hasn’t fully healed, and the shock was too much for me. Doctor Larson thinks it’s best if my room is free of any kind of stimulation for the time being. No radio. No newspapers. He just wants me to relax.”

  “I see.” She didn’t seem convinced, but she didn’t push. She swung her crossed leg a few times before changing the subject. “I also came to make sure you got your life insurance money. The army said you’d put it in my name, but I couldn’t bring myself to spend any of it.”

  “You didn’t have to give it back?”

  “No, they said I could keep it. But I figured it’s your money. You certainly earned it. I brought a check for the full amount.” She reached into her purse and pulled out the check, then came over to my bed to hand it to me. “Matthew, I really do love you and want the best for you. I miss you so much. But I won’t push you if you’re not ready to come home.”

  “Thank you,” I said. “For everything. For coming to see me, and for this. I just need some time.”

  “Just promise you won’t completely disappear again like you did before. You can call us and write to us. Maybe Andrew and I can bring the children out for a visit when you’re well. Just…please don’t disappear.”

  I could barely look at her. My stomach rolled with nausea. “I’ll do my best. That’s all I can promise for now.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  Ruby

  June 7, 1945

  San Antonio, Texas

  I couldn’t keep Hope from singing and skipping down the hospital hallway, no matter how many times I tugged on her hand. Most passers-by looked down at her and smiled, even the men who seemed to be suffering the most. Some stood in the doorways of their rooms and watched as we walked by, curious expressions on their battered faces.

  I was regretting that I’d recently taught Hope to count because she was singing out the numbers of each room we passed. “What room is Daddy’s?” she asked every five or six doors.

  “It will be a three, then a two, and then a six,” I’d repeat. Then she would go back to singing out the numbers on each door. Poor Velveteen was getting the worst of it. She slung him around by the arm as she skipped and hopped.

  “Dree-two-two!” Hope squealed. “Momma, we’re almost dere!” She pulled out of my hand and ran forward. Up ahead, Matthew stepped into his doorway and looked on us with the same curious expression as all the others. Hope hadn’t seen him yet, but he had definitely seen her.

  He followed her hops and laughter all the way until she stood in front of him, trying to see around him to the number on his door. “Are you my daddy?” she asked.

  He dropped to one knee. “Well, that depends. Are you Hope?”

  She hopped up and down while nodding her head. “Yes, sir!”

  “Then I’m your daddy.”

  Hope turned to me just as I caught up to them. She smiled and pointed at Matthew with Velveteen flopping in her hand. “I found him, Momma! Look!”

  “I see,” I said. “Why don’t you give him one of your very best hugs?”

  She stepped closer to him. “Do you want a hug?”

  He nodded. She slipped her arms around his neck, and he wrapped his around her tiny waist. I thought my chest was going to explode right there in front of everyone. God had answered my most fervent prayer of the past three years. After all this time, she was finally hugging her daddy.

  Matthew’s eyes closed, and he held on to her for a while. “I’m so glad to finally meet you,” he said. “You’re even prettier than your picture.”

  She pulled back and grinned at him. Then she put her hands on his face, pushing the skin around just a bit. “Are you tired, Daddy?”

  He took her hands and kissed them before standing up again. “Just a little, yes. But I’m so happy y
ou’re here. Come on inside so we can visit.”

  She took his hand and then reached for mine. My eyes met Matthew’s, and we shared a smile. He looked healthier—he’d gained some weight, and his face didn’t look quite so hollowed out—but something was off. His eyes still seemed dark and haunted. Hope was right. He looked tired.

  We walked into his room, and Hope immediately climbed onto his bed. He stood back and watched her as she bounced. “You know, the nurses don’t like it when we jump on the beds,” he said.

  She giggled and jumped again. “I have to hop—I’m a bunny!”

  “I told you she loves bunnies,” I said, coming up beside him and sliding my hand into his. “How are you feeling?”

  He turned to me, taking my hand and kissing me on the cheek. “I’m doing well, actually. Hoping to get out of here soon. Just need to check a few things off the list is all.”

  “Like what?”

  “Nothing major. They want me to go for a certain number of days without having a ‘spell,’ as they called it.”

  “What kind of spell?”

  He let go of my hand and moved over to the table where he took a seat. “Oh, you know. Elevated blood pressure, which makes me dizzy. My hands shake a bit. Nothing that serious.”

  I walked over and took the other chair, studying him more closely. “That sounds serious enough. What’s causing the spells?”

  He waved a hand at me, dismissing the idea. “Hope, tell me, what’s your favorite thing to do?”

  She bounced onto her behind and scooted to the edge of the bed. “I like rabbits. I like to play. Do you like to play?”

  “I used to, when I was little.”

  I wasn’t going to let him change the subject. “Matthew, if you’re having trouble with your blood pressure and dizzy spells, that could be something far more serious.”