Abiding Hope: A Novel: Healing Ruby Book 4 Read online

  I set the picture on the table and stood in front of Ruby, my chest nearly cracking open. I pulled her waist against me, kissing her deeply, drinking in everything about her I’d forced myself to forget. She slid her hands around my neck, heating my insides.

  There was still so much I had to tell her, things I would rather bury deep in the past. But for now, nothing else mattered. I had Ruby in my arms again. There was no island in the Pacific, no Kojima, no death or suffering, no murder conviction, no one else in the whole wide world but us. And now our daughter, Hope. And I was going to keep it that way for as long as possible.

  ***

  May 4, 1945

  Douglas, Arizona

  A train is no place to get reacquainted with your wife. Even though we had a compartment to ourselves, complete with two beds, we both felt it would be better to stop over for the night in Douglas. We departed the train the next day just before noon, after a night of intermittent sleep, both tired and starving.

  The town was dry and windy, and a layer of dust coated every single car we walked past. We stepped into a small café and sat in a booth near the front windows, sliding our bags under the table. As soon as the waitress came over to us, I saw the pity in her eyes.

  “Just coming home from the war, huh?” she asked.

  I gave her a slight nod. “Yes, ma’am.”

  “France? Italy?” She took a pad and pencil out of her apron, asking such weighty questions with the nonchalance of someone who’d only read about war in the papers.

  “Philippines.”

  She shook her head. “No good Japs. I hear we’re whipping ’em good, though.”

  I glanced at Ruby, who was unable to hide her dismay at such forward questioning. She slid her hand across the table and covered mine. “So what’s good to eat here?” she asked.

  The waitress launched into a list of specials like an auctioneer. I caught “cheeseburger plate” in there and stopped her to order. I knew I’d pay for it later, but I’d been craving a cheeseburger so much I’d actually dreamed about it. My mouth began to water as Ruby ordered the same and two Coca-Colas.

  As soon as the waitress left the table, I could think of nothing else but the food. I pictured it sitting on the plate in front of me, dripping with grease, a side of French fries drowned in ketchup. My stomach cramped. The sensation was so familiar; it made my palms start to sweat. You’re not in the jungle, I told myself. I’d have to find a way to think about something else until the food arrived.

  “So, tell me about Hope,” I said. “What’s she like?”

  Ruby’s face broke into a smile, and her eyes lit up. “She talks like she’s ten, not two. And she knows everything about everything, and isn’t afraid to tell you.”

  I couldn’t help but smile along with her as she painted a picture of exactly what I would’ve imagined Ruby to be like as a child. Stubborn, but loving, and fiercely kind.

  “She’s head over heels for rabbits right now. Loves anything to do with them. I got her a book called The Velveteen Rabbit for her birthday back in January, and we have to read it every single night.”

  “I can’t wait to read it with her,” I said. Then a thought occurred to me. “Does she know where you are? What’s going on, I mean? Does she know about me?”

  “She knows all about you. We pray for you every night before she goes to sleep, and I’ve told her stories about you that I remember from when we were younger. But I didn’t tell her why I was going on this trip. I wasn’t sure what to expect, and I didn’t want to get her hopes up if I was wrong.”

  “If you were wrong? About what?”

  “I don’t know. I guess I had a hard time believing it was real. I was afraid the army had made another mistake and sent the letter to the wrong wife.”

  The waitress appeared with our food, and for the next few minutes, every other thought vanished from my mind. I devoured each bite, barely tasting it, stuffing some fries down just behind. I washed it down with the Coke, and the sweet burn of the fizzy drink made me close my eyes in pleasure. When I opened them again, Ruby was watching me with a hint of both amusement and concern.

  “I think people are beginning to stare,” she said.

  “Let them,” I said, shoving another bite of the burger into my mouth. Then I licked the grease from my fingers.

  Her cheeks flushed pink, but she continued to eat her own burger without saying anything else about it. Needless to say, I finished my plate well before she’d eaten even half of her food. I turned toward the counter to get the waitress’s attention, but she was already coming toward me with another plate.

  “On the house,” she said, sliding it in front of me. “And thank you for your sacrifice. You’re a true hero.”

  She walked away, leaving a cold weight in the pit of my stomach that had nothing to do with dysentery. A true hero. She was the second person in as many days to say that. Neither of them had any idea what they were talking about.

  After that, my pace slowed down, and I didn’t enjoy the taste nearly as much. I still finished off the second plate, but I turned down the waitress’s offer for dessert. Besides, my stomach was already roiling with complaint over my binge. I might have a long evening ahead.

  ***

  When Ruby and I checked in at a nearby hotel, it was still early in the evening, but already my energy was completely drained. I lay on the bed, fully dressed, trying to make sense of the new world I now lived in—a world in which I was a father.

  Ruby came over to me and felt my forehead, and then she lifted my arm and checked my pulse at the wrist. Her soft hands on my worn, dry skin soothed the tension building up inside of me. “You’re still warmer than you should be,” she said. “I’ll get you a cool rag.”

  I closed my eyes and listened to her moving around the room, turning on the water, flipping on a lamp. Everything was so different, so calm. It was too calm, and my mind and body had no idea how to process this new environment. I had to take a deep breath just get my heart rate to slow a bit.

  One thing was clear: I would not be going back to the Philippines after my recovery. I would have to get a discharge from the army and move Ruby and Hope somewhere safe as soon as possible. Somewhere we could live in peace at last.

  Ruby placed a cool rag over my forehead, before removing my boots and socks. She let out a small gasp, so I opened my eyes to see her standing at the foot of the bed with her hand over her mouth.

  “Come on,” I said. “You’re a nurse. I know you saw worse than that on Bataan.”

  Her eyes grew moist, and her voice tight. “But this time they’re yours.” She reached for one of my feet, gently examining the sores. I held in a wince. “I’m going to walk over to the drug store and get some supplies.”

  I sat up and swung my legs over the side of the bed. “No, Ruby, come here.” I held out my hand, and she moved onto the bed beside me. “I’ll be at the hospital by tomorrow. My feet have made it this long. They’ll make it one more day. Tonight, let’s just talk and figure some things out.”

  “But you must be in so much pain.”

  “I barely feel it anymore.”

  She looked at me with wide eyes. “Well, that’s not good either.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh. “I’ll be fine. I’m sure I’ll be good as new soon.”

  She grew quiet for a moment, resting her head on my shoulder. “You know, it’s all right if you’re not.”

  “Not what?” I knew what she meant, but I couldn’t acknowledge it.

  “If you’re not good as new. We’ve been through so much, both of us. It’s all right if it takes some time to adjust.”

  I couldn’t think about that right now, so instead I pulled her face to mine and kissed her, drowning out the voices in my head that whispered of chaos and destruction. I would drown them out. I would silence all the screaming of the dying, the whispers of the dead, and even the hopes of the living if I had to.

  ***

  I was still so weak and ill that b
eing intimate with Ruby was challenging at best, but I couldn’t control my desperate need to touch her. Anywhere would do. Her arm, her face, her stomach, anything. I needed to know she was real, that I wasn’t stuck in some drug-induced dream.

  The strange thing was, as soon as I touched her, as soon as my mind knew she was real, I would be overwhelmed with a sense that everything I was trying to hold together would crack wide open. So I’d pull away just as quickly. She must have thought I’d lost my mind.

  Even so, she was gentle with me, patient with my fumbling, faltering hands, my moments of pure exhaustion, and my involuntary wincing. She was just as amazing as I remembered.

  Later that evening, I rolled up on my elbow and reached out for my wife. My wife. The concept was still so foreign. Her skin, warm and soft, was irresistible. I laid my head on her bare stomach, wondering what it would’ve been like to feel Hope moving inside of her.

  But once again, the moment of closeness brought a torrent of conflicting emotions within me that had to be shut down. So I pulled away and went back to lying beside her. “We should make some plans,” I said, focusing on things I knew I could control.

  She ran her fingers lightly up my arm. “What kind of plans?”

  “The kind you won’t like.”

  “Why’s that?”

  “’Cause it’s me telling you what I think you should do. I don’t reckon you’ve grown any less stubborn in the past three years?”

  “Not even one little bit,” she said, her eyes dancing with humor.

  “I’m serious, Grace. That is what I have to get used to calling you, right? And you do remember why I have to call you that, right?”

  She nodded, her expression falling serious. “I remember everything.”

  “You can’t just go about living a normal life like everyone else. Especially now that we have a daughter.”

  “Yes, I’m aware of our daughter. I’ve been taking care of her for more than two years.”

  “And I would bet my very life that you’re the best mother in the whole world. Honestly, I’ve seen you care for people. I know all the love you have in your heart. But we need to figure out how to do things together. It can’t just be your way all the time, and I know it can’t just be mine either. I’m just asking you to listen to me and respect what I have to say.”

  She brought her hand to my bare chest, tracing the scar from my armpit along my collarbone. Her hand slid across my chest and down to the long scar to the left of my belly button. A memory flashed into my mind: my screaming, Malaya’s voice trying to calm me. I shut that down too.

  “Grace, are you listening to me?”

  She looked up into my eyes again. “Yes. I’m listening. What do you think we should do?”

  “I think we should get a house in a more remote location. I don’t think you should work. I can provide for us. I’ll work hard, and I’ll give you and Hope the life you deserve. And no one will bother us. No one will find out who you really are. We’ll just live out the rest of our lives in peace. Doesn’t that sound nice? After everything we’ve been through?”

  Tears formed around the edges of her eyes, making me feel like a total jerk. I didn’t want to make her cry. There’d be plenty of that to come, I was sure. We were only just starting into difficult territory.

  “Do we have to decide right now?” she asked. “I just started working at the hospital, and I love my job. It’ll be a while before you’re discharged, and we still need the money right now. We have some time to decide, right?”

  I couldn’t take the disappointment in her expression. “Of course, we have some time. I’ll get everything with my pay straightened out while I’m in San Antonio. By the time I get out, we should have enough from my back pay to get a place of our own. We’ll figure everything else out then.”

  She relaxed and laid her head on my shoulder. I closed my eyes and prayed for wisdom. Lord, I know I haven’t prayed like I should the past few years, and I’ve been angry at You for many things. I don’t know how we get past that part, but I do know Ruby deserves so much better than me. Please help me be the husband and father she and Hope deserve. Help me find a way to tell her the truth. And please, Lord, let her forgive me.

  Chapter Twelve

  Ruby

  May 5, 1945

  Arizona

  Matthew’s frail, damaged body horrified me, but I did my best not to let that show. He was covered in scars, both from injury and illness. I saw signs of sores that had festered long before healing, maybe even a rudimentary surgery near his appendix that couldn’t have taken place more than six months prior. There were lacerations on his chest, arms, and legs, what appeared to be bullet wounds in his arm, shoulder, and leg, and his bones looked as though they might pop right out of his skin. I only had to close my eyes and remember my time on Bataan to imagine what he must have gone through. I’d been there only a few months. What could it have been like for three years? I was afraid to ask.

  I did my best to keep the conversation on happy things. The morning we spent in Douglas was nice, filled with food and stories about Hope. She was easy to talk about, and he seemed entranced with the idea of being her father. He even bought her a new stuffed bunny from a drugstore we passed on our way back to the train station.

  We again settled into a private compartment on the train, but once the desert began flying by the window, turning orange with the sunset, Matthew grew distant and quiet. He sat on one side of the compartment nearest the window, staring out of it and saying nothing for nearly an hour, while I sat opposite. I watched him for a while, wondering if he would make eye contact with me, but it almost seemed as though he was in a different place altogether.

  Eventually, I had to break the silence. “Is everything all right?” At first he didn’t respond, so I tried again. “Matthew? Is everything all right?”

  He dragged his eyes away from the window and looked at me like he was surprised to see me sitting across from him. “I’m sorry. I guess my mind wandered. Did you ask me something?”

  I moved across the compartment to sit next to him, taking his hand in mine. It seemed important to establish a physical connection with him as often as possible. “I just wondered if you were all right. You haven’t said anything since we pulled away from Douglas. Is something on your mind?”

  He pulled his hand away and leaned forward onto his elbows where I couldn’t see his expression. “I’m all right, I reckon. Just a lot to think about.”

  “I was thinking about what you said last night, about me quitting my job and moving. And I just think it would be better for us to stay where we are for now. Hope is happy there. I worry about taking her away from the only family she’s known.”

  “We’re her family,” he said. “Just the three of us. That’s all she needs.”

  I ran my hand over his back, struck by the tension in his sinewy muscles. “I know we’re her family, but think of this from her perspective. She doesn’t know you yet. You’re a stranger to her. Sure, she’ll be excited that you’re home, but it may take her a while to feel comfortable around you. The Sawyers have been there for us since the day she was born. She calls them Grandma and Grandpa. She won’t understand if we just cut them out of her life.”

  “She’s two. She’ll forget.”

  He pushed himself up to standing and moved toward the door. It hadn’t escaped my notice that he couldn’t seem to stay still for long. I would have to be patient, but I’d have to keep trying to reconnect with him. Something was eating away at him. In fact, it was probably much more than just something. This wasn’t the time to push him too hard.

  I decided to change the subject. “Well, I’m sure it’ll all work out just fine. We’ll figure everything out when you’re better. Henry should be coming back soon too. I read in the paper that all the prisoner-of-war camps are being liberated in the Philippines. I don’t know how we’ll find out when Henry’s coming home, but maybe you can reach out to Mother and Asa. Once Henry’s back we can find a p
lace where we can all live near each other.”

  The whole time I was talking, Matthew stood by the door, rubbing the back of his neck. I could tell he didn’t like what I was saying, but he wasn’t saying anything back to me. I kept right on talking, hoping he’d hear something he could agree with.

  “Maybe we can even find a way to let Mother and Asa know the truth about me. I mean, we could all wind up back in Alabama. Wouldn’t that be nice? You, me, and Hope living near our family? Maybe Henry with a little farm nearby? Of course, he never liked farming much. Maybe he can do something else. I bet he’d make a great baseball coach.”

  “Ruby, please stop.” The ache in Matthew’s voice made me pause. His face was sick with pain. “Just stop. Please.”

  “Stop…what?”

  “Stop talking like we’re all going to live happily ever after as one big fairy tale family. It’s not going to happen.”

  “I’m just trying to hold on to my hope, that’s all. I know it’s a long shot. I know I’m probably dreaming, but what’s wrong with that? Maybe God will answer my prayers. He brought you home to us. Maybe He’ll bring Henry home soon too. And then at some point we can figure out what to do about my conviction.”

  He turned away from me and leaned onto his hands against the door. I had no idea what was going on with him, but it was starting to scare me. Something in the pit of my stomach grew heavy and nauseous.

  “Matthew, what’s going on?”

  He shook his head. “I don’t even know how to begin to tell you.”

  “Just…tell me.”

  He said nothing, dropping his head below his shoulders.

  “Please,” I tried again, feeling the tremor in my voice. “Whatever it is, we’ll face it together.”

  After another agonizing minute, he turned around and leaned his back against the door. He rubbed his hands over his face, and then seemed to steel himself, straightening up and looking directly at me.